Subscribe to Chucky - The Fat Vegetarian by Email Subscribe in a reader Chucky - The Fat Vegetarian: Chucky, The Government, and The Passport

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Chucky, The Government, and The Passport

"It would be funny if it were not my hard-earned tax dollars at work."

Good day my friend!  May this be nothing short of a spectacular day for you, me and everyone else out there.

http://www.unco.edu/cie/assets/images/passport/passport.gif

"Ladies and gentlemen, the story you're about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty alike)."  Chucky needs a passport for his new job.  This is a short tale of those efforts so far.  "Just the facts, ma'am."
  • He fills out the required form online and prints it.
  • He goes to Costco Warehouse Club and gets a passport photo taken.
  • He finds his original birth certificate ~ signed, embossed and bona fide.  (It's on the side of that box that he arrived in.)
  • He makes certain that his valid driver's license is in his wallet.
  • He asks Tiffany for a blank check as she carries the checkbook.
  • As required by the instructions, he photo copies front and back of both birth certificate and driver's license.
  • He gathers all of the required information.
  • He goes to work.
  • An hour afterwards, he leaves the office for the nearest passport office ~ county clerk's office.
  • He walks up the courthouse steps.
  • Oops!  Sign says no sharp devices.
  • He walks back to the car and removes a can opener on his key chain and removes a pocket knife & fingernail clippers from his pocket.
  • Enters the court house and grabs a number.
  • Looks up at "Now Serving" video monitor.  What's that?  Uh-oh... This is not good.  A small banner is scrolling along the bottom that reads, "It may take an excessive amount of time for us to provide service due to recent budget cutbacks."  Now, I ask you... If this were a private business would I be seeing this disclaimer???
  • Wow!  Must be my lucky ducky day.  Within 5-minutes my number is called.  I can enter Room #2 now.  The robotic speaker asks that Number 123456, my number, please proceed to Window #3.  Psst... Although there appear to be eight windows in Room #2, only three of them are being manned. Recent budget cutbacks you know.
  • I hand over the paperwork to the clerk.
  • She hands back my photocopies.
  • "That will be $110.00 please."
  • "I thought that I was supposed to provide a photo copy of my birth certificate?" I ask when she hands back my photo copies.
  • "No sir.  I submit the original and they'll mail it back to you."
  • I write out the check for one hundred ten and no/100 and hand it through the window to the clerk.
  • "Oh?  I see that you wanted the passport and the book. That's $140.00, not $110.00"
  • "Ma'm, I only have the one check that I brought with me."
  • "That's okay" she said as she handed it back.  "You can mark the changes on the check."
  • So I changed from "$110.00" to "$110.00 $140.00" and from "One hundred ten" to "One hundred ten forty", initialing both changes.  I hand it back to her.
  • She has me take an oath and hands me the passport form to sign.
  • I sign the form and hand it back to her.
  • "No!"  "You can't use blue ink."  She hands it back to me.
  • I re-sign using black ink (borrow her pen) and hand it back to her.
  • Instead of single-striking out the blue signature she scribbles, scratches, and obliterates the blue signature so that it is now unrecognizable.  Wonder what the State Department will think happened here?  A voice in my head speaks, "Looks like a forgery to me."
  • "There's a $26.00 processing fee."
  • "I don't suppose that you take American Express, do you?"
  • "No sir.  We don't."
  • So I reached in my wallet, pulled out my VISA card and passed it through the window.
  • "Excuse me.  We don't take VISA sir."
  • "Is American Express okay?" I ask wondering what planet I am living on.
  • "Yes sir.  We take American Express but there's an additional $2.99 credit card processing fee."
  • Inside my tiny little mind I'm mumbling to myself, "Sure lady.  Go ahead.  Why not ask for another $100.00?  After all, I'm breathing the air in this room and that oughta cost me something."
  • So ~ $169.99, one revised check, one obliterated passport form and an original birth certificate later, I am a free 4-foot tall plastic bubble-headed man.  I'm outta there!  Do you think that it's over?
http://cdn6.travelblogadvice.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/frustrated-baby-poster.jpg

Hi-dee hi-dee sometimes-you-simply-have-to-laugh-at-the-absurdity-of-it-all-ho my friend.

No comments:

Post a Comment